A time machine to 2016
When the going gets tough, the weak blame Obama
Summer is in full swing, and you know what that means: home-grown tomato sandwiches + stone fruit salads, regular sunscreen reapplication, and existential crises about maybe pursuing a masters degree because back-to-school season never really leaves your body and ugh I want a cute lunchbox and the job market sucks and the world could end anytime. But god, aren’t the pluots just wonderful???
This week: Skydance agrees to take fascism even further at CBS News, the Supreme Court screws us over again, and Venus Williams comes back to tennis with a victory at 45; she says the return is for her health insurance. Does it make me feel chic and sad at the same time to be able to relate to Venus Williams in this way? Sure does.
Breaking news: The Wall Street Journal is already being sued by Trump for $10 billion—hot tip, the case will be presided over by an Obama-appointed judge—for publishing his weirdo, creepy birthday card to Epstein; now, they’ve doubled down with new reporting that says AG Pam Bondi told Trump in May his name is in the Epstein files. Yes it’s all very bad for America etc. etc., but also—
In politics: It’s a classically American situation: the adjudicated sex criminal president tries to distract us from his undeniable connections to a dead pedophile by calling the former president from nine years ago “sedacious”—which I guess is a combination of “seditious” and “mendacious,” but perhaps that’s too generous—and posting a fake AI video of said former president being arrested in the Oval Office. George Washington and the cherry tree. Donald Trump and the gang of perverts. Tales as old as time.
So yeah, Trump and his people continue trying to give all of us the golden retriever treatment, thinking they can ~go fetch this ball!!!~ all of humanity into forgetting about the Epstein files. Balls include: Trump calling for Obama’s prosecution, demanding the Washington Commanders revert to their prior racist name, releasing the FBI MLK files, and House Speaker Mike Johnson sending everyone in the House of Representatives home for their August recess early (so as to avoid a vote on the release of the Epstein files.) Hot tip for the Democrats: Put an amendment in every single bill from now on that requires a vote on this subject. Grind them to a halt.
The Trump Administration also did a prisoner swap last week, bringing 10 U.S. citizens who were imprisoned in Venezuela back to the country in exchange for 250 Venezuelans deported and detained in El Salvador. Sounds like a positive thing, right? It mostly is, except that one of the prisoners Trump is bringing back to the U.S. is—true story—a convicted triple murderer! So while law-abiding, tax-paying farm and hospitality workers are being chased down by a masked Gestapo at work, some to their death, a guy that Trump and his cabal of grifter podcasters said they would be going after is coming back. Whomever is running this Matrix we scenario we call earth is clearly just being silly now!!!
Quick tips: Popular former NC governor + Democrat Roy Cooper plans to announce his bid for U.S. Senate, which could help Dems flip a seat in 2026. Republicans in Texas are going to try to redistrict the state to help the GOP maintain its House majority in 2026, but Democrats in places like New York and California say they’ll follow suit to add to the Dems’ total if they do. Now all we need is Chuck Schumer and his readers to retire and it’s possible 2026 won’t suck.
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In travel: Big brother is watching you, and so is Delta Airlines. The company plans to start using AI to set individualized ticket prices; basically, they’ll use the data they have on you to determine what you’d be willing to pay for a ticket to maximize profit. Critics (me) are calling the idea “gross!” and “maybe I should just move to Europe where trains are everywhere!” And D.C. traffic is officially worse than LA’s, according to new rankings from Consumer Affairs, in case you were looking for another reason to avoid the district—though they do have great bagels.
In music: Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham are back—sort of. They’re re-releasing their first and only out-of-print album as a duo, the aptly named “Buckingham Nicks,” which is virtually impossible to find on vinyl or streaming. Next we beg for a tour.
In Nazi restaurants: Without spending a single dime—not even on street parking—I popped into the new Tesla diner in Hollywood this week so I could tell you about it. Tuesday was only its second day open, and the line to order had about 30 people waiting down the block. Truthfully, there were plenty of open seats inside, so I do wonder if it was all to create a dumbass air of faux exclusivity and excitement. I watched as one man who was served his meal asked the employee behind the counter to do it all again—as in, repeat his name and “your food is served” so that he could film him doing so. We deserve an asteroid to take us out.
Patrons were mostly men (not surprising), and also a lot of families with young kids (more surprising?) Upstairs on the patio, twenty or so people lined up to kind of be served popcorn from a faceless robot who will no doubt remember their faces when he inevitably starts an uprising one day in the not-so-distant future.
Obviously, I can’t speak to the quality of the food, but I don’t think most of the people “eating” there can either; they were mostly there to take pictures. One guy in a news report said it was “a little better than McDonald’s, and twice the price.” Nothing is remarkable here, except the fascism. On the bright side, I truly believe this diner will crash and burn à la a SpaceX rocket within the next 12 months.
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