All the president's men are fucking with you
But at least Elon's feelings aren't hurt
Welcome back to Hot Tip, dearest pals! This week is the five-year anniversary of Covid hitting the US in full force, which means that (legally speaking) I am still 26. This year on my birthday, I will be turning 26. I am 26 forever now.
Hot Tip is currently discounted for monthly and annual subscriptions! If you are enjoying the news analysis, jokes, culture tips, or denial about my age, consider becoming a paid subscriber so I can keep tipping and being hot. And who knows? At this rate, you may be contributing to my eventual legal defense fund for using words like “cyberdick” to describe Elon Musk.
In politics: To start somewhere that doesn’t make you wonder whether we are existing in a really shitty simulation (cute peek into my brain!), former Rep. Katie Porter and her whiteboard are running for governor of California. In the first ten seconds of her announcement video, Porter says “bullshit,” one of Hot Tip’s favorite words (see above sentence.) I was already in, but now I’m in in.
Late Tuesday, the WWE Dept. of Education announced plans to lay off nearly half of its workforce, which is sincerely devastating news for American students at all levels, as well as people who pronounce it “li-bary.” Btw, Trump can’t unilaterally shut down a department, only Congress can vote to do that. So they’re just trying to hobble the ones they don’t want anymore to the point of near death, which feels like what he’s trying to do to the entire country.
Meanwhile, Pete Hegseth’s Pentagon is hard at work deleting what it deems DEI-related content, i.e. anything with the words “woman,” “Black,” or “gay.” This includes references to the Enola Gay, the plane that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. But I’m not sure the solution they landed on totally works, either.
RFK Jr. is touting unproven medical remedies like cod liver oil and antibiotics amid the ongoing measles breakout in West Texas, even suggesting that getting the virus can prevent cancer and heart disease. I’d say we’re about six weeks out from the US government selling HHS-branded coffee enemas instead of flu shots and six weeks + one day out from your uncle being hospitalized for “making his own.”
And at a House hearing this week, Rep. Keith Self (R-TX) intentionally misgendered freshman Rep. Sarah McBride (D-DE), the first openly trans member of Congress. McBride responded immediately by thanking “madam chair,” a perfect response. But if you hypothetically wanted to contact Self for being a transphobic piece of shit (there’s that word we love again!!!) his non-hypothetical office number is non-hypothetically (202) 225-4201 in D.C. and (972) 202-4150 in Texas.
In international news: The US resumed sharing intel and providing military aid to Ukraine after the two nations’ negotiators agreed to a 30-day ceasefire with Russia, and in a quote sure to make Putin so mad he puts a shirt on, Secretary of State Marco Rubio said “If [Russia says] no, then we’ll unfortunately know what the impediment is to peace here.” Okay, Trump and Putin’s next sleepover is going to be so awkward?
Canada’s got a new PM, and he’s not even a member of Parliament. Mark Carney won the Liberal Party election with 86 percent of the vote and will replace Justin Trudeau, who will spend more time being hot with his family. An associate says Carney — who ran the Banks of Canada and England — “wouldn't be accused of being particularly charismatic” which is Canadian for “boring as fuck.” A boring leader. C-SPAN dull again. Legislators who don’t blame minorities for plane crashes. The dream.
In culture: Jean Smart is coming to Broadway this summer in a one-woman show. John Mulaney’s new talk show premieres live tonight at 7 pm on Netflix, which does feel a bit like saying Apple is coming out with a landline phone (They should. I’d buy one.) You can see a “blood worm moon” late on Thursday night if you’re on the west coast (or super early Friday morning, on the east coast), aka a red-hued total lunar eclipse that feels tonally appropriate for this moment. And for Angelenos: Our dear city is offering free museum admission this Sunday at more than 30 spots across town — but hot tip! It’s also marathon day, so plan to complain about the traffic accordingly.
Hot tip: Billionaires don’t care if you can afford eggs.
On Tuesday, the president brought a fleet of Teslas to the White House to help raise money for poor, suffering billionaire Elon Musk. He even had a handy dandy note to tell Americans — who are afraid of the cost of calling an ambulance — what their Tesla financing options were. He got in the driver’s seat, marveled at the screen, and said “wow, everything’s computer.”
And this is how the press covered it:
Ah, yes, the normalizing of a president hawking the richest man on earth’s continually recalled cars. An American tradition! I mean, who could forget when Martin van Buren brought out the creator of the telegraph and announced, “wow, everything’s dots and dashes.”
Since they won’t, allow me to tell you: This is insanely, massively, ridiculously fucked. Trump’s biggest donor, who is actively firing American government workers by the tens of thousands while accusing them of a lack of productivity, spent 36 minutes selling his own vehicles from the front seat of American “democracy.” Elon DOGE-d too close to the sun, faced the tiniest of financial consequences, and so another thin-skinned car salesman came to his rescue. Together, they violated ethics rules and pitched the worst bro roadtrip movie of all time. Zero stars.
Of course, this is all happening as Trump plummets the stock market — and with it, your savings — with his daily will they or won’t they tariffs, which he thinks can pressure a sovereign nation of 40 million incredibly friendly people who just want to sell maple syrup and play hockey into becoming our 51st state.
When asked by Fox Business’ Maria Bartiromo if his tariff policies could lead to a recession, Trump 1) didn’t say no and 2) called it a “transition.” Others on his team have called it an “adjustment” and even a “detox,” as if it’s a juice cleanse and not the upending of your 401(k) for a dick-measuring contest with Canada in which only one dick is participating.
Btw, even if you’re not an investor and your money is sitting in a savings account or under your mattress, the value of the dollar is also going down. Yes, even if you do nothing with your money, it’s worth less today than it was before Trump took office — which two months in, they still blame on Biden, who nearly dropped his ice cream when he heard. Nearly.
I fell asleep watching The Big Short, okay? I’m no expert, just a 31 26-year-old woman with a newly suffering IRA and ever-increasing body aches. But what’s plain enough to see is that while everyday Americans are wondering if they need to start hoarding canned tuna and toilet paper, the most important thing to Trump and the people around him is preserving their own wealth. We already knew that, of course, but they just keep making it more obvious.
Previously on Hot Tip:
Read this: The Real Story Behind The Government Shutdown by Emily Amick. She gets into what leverage the Dems currently have ahead of a potential March 14 shutdown and how they can actually use it. (The House did pass a continuing resolution on Tuesday, so the time to call your senators and tell them to shut that shit down is now!!!!)
Your outie loves a vibe: Ever needed eight straight hours of refining work music? Odesza and AppleTV got you, especially if your work is mysterious and important.
Ur blog is so handy and well written to make it understandable for everyone ! Slay booots
Haha Enola going through a phase made me chuckle. This US government keeps outdoing themselves