If you like piña coladas and getting caught on a plane
Then your name is probably Rafael Edward Cruz.
Please forgive my delay in writing, as I had another wisdom tooth-related surgery this week to fix the first one, about which I will spare you the details—my friends, however, have not been as lucky. My jaw is bruised but she is finally healing, as is nature, according to the AI video of a puppy riding a dolphin your aunt sent you. Yes, we are so fucked. Nevertheless, we persist.
Today: A prayer for every ICE agent in Minnesota to lose their testicles to frostbite, Ted Cruz runs for the California hills, and an Academy Awards record.
Real quick, before we get into everything else: Amid a week that brought us the kidnapping of a five-year-old child by ICE and the ramblings of a belligerent maniac whose syphilitic brain keeps confusing Greenland and Iceland, here are the things I know for sure: 1) There are no greater cowards on planet earth than the GOP, who have spent the past several decades pretending the Constitution is tattooed on their hearts when in reality it’s just a tramp stamp that says “DO TREAD ON ME, DADDY DONALD.” 2) I don’t have a solution to offer, but I know for sure it’s not whatever Hakeem Jeffries is currently cooking up with his staff, which is probably an Instagram of himself shot from above in a hat that says “NO,” or something. 3) Times are overwhelming and scary, but it’s always going to be my goal to keep you informed in a way that feels less so. And hey, if you want to call the Capitol switchboard and scream at someone, perhaps a low-level staffer in Lindsey Graham’s office who deserves to be berated for their life choices, an act of catharsis I fully endorse, that number is (202) 224-3121.
In Minneapolis: Soon-to-be father of four children JD Vance traveled to Minnesota to speak and justify the “context” around the detention of a literal preschooler by masked men doing shitty Gestapo cosplay. He lied repeatedly about that legal asylum-seeking family’s situation, and also about ICE entering homes without warrants. At least four children in Minneapolis have been detained this month.
Hot tip: Tomorrow there is a general strike in Minnesota to fight back against ICE, and I’ll be donating a third of this month’s Hot Tip revenue to mutual aid funds in the state. If you want to donate on your own, check out this list, or become a paid subscriber here.
In politics: Aforementioned VP of Making Sweet Sweet Love to Furniture JD Vance also said of the affordability crisis in the US that “you don’t turn around the Titanic overnight,” referring to a famously sunken ship that at no point turned around, but did split in half because the men at the helm fucked up—so maybe this is actually an extremely apt metaphor for what they’re doing.
Meanwhile, Donny T is touting a “framework for a future deal” that would allow for a US military presence in Greenland, except (hot tip!) that deal already exists and was signed in 1951—back when Harry S. Truman was president, a house cost $8k, and the 22nd amendment establishing term limits was ratified.
Texas Senator Ted Cruz is hitting Laguna Beach for vacay, and you know what that means: there must be a devastating winter weather event on its way that will cripple the state he represents faster than he can order a piña colada while someone insults his wife at the swim-up bar.
There is actually a massive storm coming for a huge portion of the country this weekend, impacting roughly 200 million people from Albuquerque all the way to Boston. So if you are in the storm’s path and able to hunker down, please do. Might I even be so bold as to recommend this paprikash-inspired stew and then also a stew-inspired movie viewing? Stay safe and cozy, pals.
In film: Ryan Coogler’s southern gothic vampire horror Sinners (correctly) became the most Oscar-nominated movie of all time with 16 nods, in today’s second loss for Titanic, which previously held the record (14 nominations, tied with All About Eve + La La Land.) The full list, which includes some head scratchers and some well-earned it’s about damn time-s can be found here. Also this weekend: Sundance’s final bow in Utah, before the festival moves to Boulder, Colorado next year.
In sports: Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams are continuing their Heated Rivalry world tour by carrying the Olympic torch ahead of the Milan Winter Olympics, a collision of my interests so specific I am convinced we live in a simulation. And Olympian Jordan Chiles hit her first perfect 10 (!!!!!!) on vault last weekend while competing for UCLA, which you can watch a hundred times on repeat below.
And a sign off note from yours truly: Abolish the fuck out of ICE.
Previously on Hot Tip:
I have absolutely been laughing since I read "the ramblings of a belligerent maniac whose syphilitic brain keeps confusing Greenland and Iceland" last night. I have now thought about it multiple times since reading. Ah, levity. 🫠
Thank you ahead of time for donating to mutual aid here in Minnesota. Things are really bad and just surreal here and any outside attention/assistance is appreciated.