Keep your enemies close and publicly betray your friends

aka the Trump Doctrine

Welcome back to Hot Tip, and Slava Ukraini, my friends. I write to you deeply horrified in a deeply unfunny way about what transpired today in the Oval Office, which reporters are calling “remarkable,” and “extraordinary,” but that I will instead call “a clusterfuck so incredibly clusterfucked I am more embarrassed and ashamed to be an American than I ever have been, and the bar was already in hell.” Perhaps that just doesn’t fit on the CNN lower-third, but I suspect those journalists are feeling that way too — even if they won’t say it.

NYTimes

Three things before we dive in: 1) Shout out to

Aaron Rupar

from

Public Notice

for sharing clips from the meeting, as he always does. It’s an immense public service. 2) Apologies in advance for the amount of cursing in this newsletter. It’s either that or smash my dishes and I really like my dishes. 3) Palate cleansers + more joyful things are at the end if you just can’t think about World War III today. I get it.

So what happened? Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy came to the White House today, in theory, to sign a minerals deal with the US in exchange for some sort of security in their ongoing war against Putin’s Russia — you know, the Russia that invaded sovereign, democratic Ukraine in 2022. Reminder: Tens of thousands of Ukrainian civilians have been killed, and at least 20,000 Ukrainian children have been kidnapped by Russia.

The deal obviously didn’t go as planned, because the public extortion of an ally didn’t adequately satisfy Trump (and JD Vance, who inserted himself since Daddy Trump wasn’t paying him enough attention, I guess.)

The meeting was tense to begin with. Zelenskyy was at one point berated by a right-wing “journalist” — though I prefer the title “verbal diarrhea disseminator” — for not wearing a suit. Of course, this is mere weeks after America’s loser shadow president Elon Musk gave a press conference in the Oval Office wearing a t-shirt, hat, and his child like a human shield scarf. But sure, say more about outfit propriety.

Jim Watson/AFP

Anyway, apparently JD Vance was so sick of being called a couch-fucker that he decided to go with America-fucker (America-fucker-over?) and took direct aim at Zelenskyy for, among other things, visiting Pennsylvania and “campaign[ing] for the opposition” last year. (Of course, that’s not what it was. Zelenskyy visited a munitions factory with the governor to thank the workers for their help in the war against Russia. Zelenskyy met with both Kamala Harris and Donald Trump last year.)

When Zelenskyy dared to question Vance’s suggestion of a “diplomatic” solution — aka Ukraine surrendering — Vance went off: “I think it’s disrespectful for you to come to the Oval Office and try to litigate this in front of the American media” which is, SPOILER ALERT! what Trump and Vance forced him to do.

Trump admitted this was the plan, saying he purposely “kept this going so long.” He even ended his verbal assault by saying this would make “great television,” to which I say:

The nichest meme I ever conceived. My precious child.

We already know Trump doesn’t like when people push back and fact check his (equal parts) idiocy and Putin bootlicking; the same thing happened with French President Macron in the Oval Office a few days ago, though with less yelling.

All of this, according to the two boss babies occupying the White House, is because Zelenskyy didn’t say “thank you” enough for American support, which he’s done lots of. What they really mean is Zelenskyy is insufficiently asskissy toward them.

At one point, Zelenskyy even said to Trump, “I heard it from Putin.” He knows Trump is just repeating Putin talking points. Trump threatened him: “Make a deal, or we’re out.” But when Zelenskyy said that the war could eventually come here, that we will feel it, Trump blew a leathery orange gasket and threatened World War III. You can watch the entire meeting here, if you’re having too bright and sunny a day and need something to bring you down.

After the meeting, Trump truthed (or whatever the fuck the verb for Truth Social is, I don’t care) that Zelenskyy “disrespected the United States of America in its cherished Oval Office” and “can come back when he is ready for Peace.” (His random capital “P,” not mine. I got an 800 on the writing section of the SAT and would never.)

From my perspective, this tactic of humiliating Zelenskyy was their plan all along. And I think it’s beyond shameful — though I do look forward to all the bloated old Republican hypocrites coming out of the woodwork to justify it — ah, right on schedule.

Yes, I do have a burner Twitter account just for calling them “asswipes.”

Also, if we want to talk about disrespecting the Oval Office, perhaps we start with its occupant hanging his mugshot outside the door. But one clusterfuck at a time.

So how did it end? The White House cancelled the joint press conference, Zelenskyy left, and all of Europe stepped up with swift and clear support for Ukraine.

Co-sign. And also an application for citizenship.

This all just happened, so it’s hard to know exactly where we will go from here (I dare not use the word unprecedented, as avid Hot Tip readers know.) Air raid sirens are going off tonight in Kyiv, Ukraine. Russian leaders are celebrating. And the age of purported American greatness is being washed away with the stains of obeisance to dictators and bad fake tan. More to come.

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In palate cleansers: Somehow, the show about severed brains on behalf of capitalism and Kier is a break from our world, and last night’s episode of Severance — a Gemmasode, if you will — was bone-chillingly good. Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak talk poog-ing for their new podcast in The Cut. The Oscars are on Sunday, hosted by my favorite man in a leather jacket over 6’3”, Conan O’Brien. And check out the best guide to LA I’ve ever read (food, shopping, bars, coffee, this guide has everything!!!!) by

Ali LaBelle

of À La Carte. East side reigns supreme.