Make America Great Depression Again
Plus Tesla's bad earnings report, Hegseth maybe headed out, + Le Creuchella
Welcome back to Hot Tip, my gorgeous pals. Today is Earth Day, and so on behalf of our glorious mother planet let me just say: “uhhh wtf are y’all doin down there?” and also “hahahah no seriously please stop!!!” Because according to photos, our one precious home is looking a lot different than it did when it was dubbed “The Blue Marble” 50 years ago. The Sahara Desert is expanding, ice sheet is shrinking, and rainforest is retreating. And all so that handerpants—you know, underpants for your hands—can be delivered by tomorrow.
Reminder: This month’s April Mag — all about sustainability and recession-proofing your life — will be for paid subscribers only and will go out later this week. Upgrade today so you don’t miss out on the ~best things to stock in your doomsday bunker.~
In business: The International Monetary Fund says the US economy is going to take a massive hit over the next two years—but of course, in true American fashion, we are taking other people down with us. Trump’s tariffs are slowing global growth half a percentage point lower than was projected in January. But that’s not all! The Dow is currently on track for worst April since 1932, which makes me wonder, is that what Trump meant all this time? Make America Great Depression Again? Because if so, hats off to you, sir! Five stars, well done, you’re the best at self-inflicted recessions, I actually love canned beans and tuna, etc. etc.
Tesla reported their first quarter earnings, and the company’s net income is down 71% (!!!!!!!!!!) from last year, and while I’m no economist, I do know the technical phraseology for that level of dip is “HAHAHAHAH SUCKS 2 SUCK.”
In professional incompetence: Pete Hegseth is likely to find himself on the job hunt after it was discovered that he had another unclassified Signal chat to discuss those Yemen strike plans—this time with his wife, brother, and personal lawyer. How does that one go, again? A wife, a brother, and a lawyer walk into a bar, where the Secretary of Defense is drunk texting them attack plans. “Shots all around!” he yells. Siri misunderstands and sends a nuke to each continent. “But her emails!” he yells as the world ends.
also has some great reporting on the Hegseth of it all: “Through leaks, forced firings, insubordination and other forms of bureaucratic intransigence, the Pentagon bureaucracy is going out of its way to destroy his tenure (something he was plenty capable of himself!)” At this point, it’s feeling a bit like if the passengers on the Titanic spent their last minutes poking extra holes in the boat to help the iceberg do its job.
For its part, The White House denies it’s considering replacing the Secretary of Group Texts, but Pentagon leakers say otherwise. Maybe if/when this whole Dept. of Defense thing doesn’t work out, he can try a career with the state-sponsored media? Only on the weekends, of course.
Not to be outdone by her coworker, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem couldn’t even keep her purse secure this weekend at a D.C. restaurant, where the bag containing $3k cash (uhhh, I have some questions) and her ID badge (yes, the one she uses to get into secure buildings at work) was stolen by a guy in an N-95 mask. A Robin Hood stealing from a racist puppy killer while protecting everyone from Covid? Is he single??
In politics: Marco Rubio announced an overhaul of the State Department to “reverse decades of bloat and bureaucracy,” or what he calls “human rights programs.” Harvard is suing the Trump Administration for violating the First Amendment, or what Trump calls “Tuesdays.” Btw, a Russian-born Harvard scientist could change the future of cancer diagnostics, but ICE has had her detained for two months.
RFK Jr. is using the National Institutes of Health to collect the private medical records of autistic Americans, and is even reportedly creating a registry to track those with autism. 1) That’s eugenics. 2) It’s also gotta be a HIPAA violation. 3) He’s a piece of shit who eats roadkill for dinner, I don’t care what he believes about anything, let alone health. May he never know a moment of peace in his shitty life. And 4) TeenVogue had a great piece this week debunking all his dumbass ideas. You should read it.
And Trump admitted on Truth Social that he doesn’t believe in due process, saying that there is simply not enough time to give everyone a trial. Maybe he could give them all a round of golf, then. He seems to have plenty of time for that.
In food: You can’t always get what you want, except at Le Creuchella, a fan-organized trading event outside the Le Creuset Factory to Table Sale, where you can trade whatever came in your “mystery box” for something you actually want. Chobani is opening a million-square-foot factory in Rome, NY, due to increased demand. And luckily, they’re the real deal.
And of course, if you haven’t already (what are you even waiting for!!!) check out my interview with NYT-bestselling cookbook author
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Read this: Pope Francis’ NYT obituary. The Roman Catholic Church in Gaza that he called every night. His posthumous call for peace in Israel and Palestine. And check out the photos of mourners around the world.
And hot tip: If there was ever a week to watch Conclave, it’s this one—in which JD Vance maybe possibly killed a beloved Pope simply by showing his gross, fascist face.
Previously on Hot Tip:
TEE HEE! "A Robin Hood stealing from a racist puppy killer while protecting everyone from Covid? Is he single??"