One nation, under broligarchy
How to lose a nation's respect in three days
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I have very specific and vivid memories of middle school PE classes, during which the coaches thought that they were doing us 12-year-old gals a service with one simple rule—when a boy scores, it’s worth one point. When a girl does, it’s worth two.
My seventh-grade-ass quickly picked up on the very obvious injustice and complained. The—both male, duh—teachers’ explanation was that it incentivized the boys to actually pass the _________ (basketball, soccer ball, etc.) to us. But the messages were clear: Boys will only include us in sports if they have to, and also, less directly but equally unsubtly, “you’re not as good as they are at this, so your goals count for extra. You’re welcome!!!!” It’s the same shit in professional sports. We have an NBA, and a WNBA. Men are the default. Except for Andy Murray, who gave us the hottest two-word line ever uttered on planet earth and managed to not laugh along:
There’s a ton that has been disappointing about the men’s US hockey team’s decision to 1) party with Kash Patel, 2) laugh along with Trump at the gold medal-winning women’s team, and then 3) stop by tonight’s State of the Union as the mere pawns of Stupid Hitler™️ while he screamed about nonexistent election cheating.
I also can’t help but wonder if part of the disappointment in this moment is the fact that so many women just recently became deeply invested in fake hockey players—an investment that financially benefited their league, and one which they embraced—only to find out the real ones don’t actually care about us. Or that so many of us are of the generation raised on The Mighty Ducks and Miracle. Or that it closed out an Olympics that otherwise made many of us—if briefly—proud to be American, as women won 67% of American gold medals, JD Vance got booed, and brave athletes spoke about the importance of freedom of speech. Or maybe it’s that these guys who can go full MAGA at the drop of a literal hat are hiding in plain sight, on dating apps and at hockey games. Idk, maybe it’s all of the above.
So boys, here’s the thing: You say you represent our flag, but the guy you’re chugging beer with in the locker room—you know, the lil podcaster who always looks like a ghost just walked through him? He’s covering up a child sex-trafficking ring with Donald Trump, right now, and together they’re trying to end American democracy. Your decision to giggle along with the current president will in fact haunt you for years—as will the skyrocketing number of women who have no romantic interest in you, a punishment you absolutely deserve!!! And anyway, Trump is technically president, sure, but it’s in the same way that Colonel Sanders is a Colonel. It’s just a title in front of his name, and he mostly does fried chicken.
Most of all, though, cheers to the women of Team USA Hockey, who had a better record than the men’s team at the Olympics and who declined their CYA SOTU invite—opting instead to party with Flavor Flav in Vegas, courtesy of Alaska Airlines. May all of your pillows be cold on both sides and your poolside drinks be plentiful.
In SOTU: Unsurprisingly, Trump’s nearly two-hour deranged rant included a bevy of lies and weird detours, including that his dead, racist dad wouldn’t want you to know how old he would be if he were not dead and racist (120.5, very racist, to be exact.) He screamed into the mic to the point that the audio regularly glitched, made shit up about voter fraud and ending “eight wars”, but didn’t mention the brand new NPR reporting that says the Justice Dept. “withheld some Epstein files related to allegations that President Trump sexually abused a minor.” Cut to the chants of “USA” in the room tonight. Honestly, his bullshit isn’t worth covering, except to say it’s clear he’s trying to steal the midterm elections, and Hakeem Jeffries isn’t up to the task of fighting back. Maybe putting out a mixtape, though.
Hot tip for Dems: Do better. Being there at all is a legitimization of him. A half empty room—or one that emptied throughout the night—would have been more powerful than sitting there in silence while Chuck Schumer peers across the aisle over his new Warby Parkers. Don’t politely decorum us into a third term of this. Do your jobs.
Etc: Paramount raised its bid for Warner Bros. Discovery to $31 a share—but it’s still a company run by uggo fascists, sad! Get significant bang for your buck at Dunkin’ with a new 48 oz bucket—yes, bucket—of iced coffee. The cottage—yes, THE cottage—is now rentable on Airbnb for less than $200 a night. And we got a teaser for the new Pride and Prejudice and they gave us exactly what we wanted—hand acting.
Previously on Hot Tip:
