Pete Hegseth just wants to be homecoming king
Everything you need to know this weekend + a playlist to help turn off your brain
It’s a gray day here in Los Angeles, so I had my first hot coffee of the season, specifically an almond macadamia latte from Go Get ‘Em Tiger. I will soon watch this week’s episode of The Great British Baking Show, compulsively clean my apartment to distract from the sheer terror that is existing right now, and just in case my brain decides to wander into the doom of our reality at any point, I made a playlist to stop it (see below.) A perfect weekend in the hell of our own making!!!
In this special Saturday edish of Hot Tip, we’ve got Tylenol (safe!), Portland (safe!), escalators (safe for those of us who understand how to walk up stairs!) and the fall sweater advertising that’s working on me atm (dangerous!)
In politics: Trump’s enemies of the week list includes Tylenol, escalators, IKEA, the former FBI director, and now the entire city of Portland, Oregon, which, according to him, is in a state of “anarchy” due to individuals expressing their rights to protest and free speech against ICE.
So let’s go through them one by one, shall we?
Tylenol: I’m not going to repeat their bullshit talking points, because I prefer to get my medical information from doctors, and not from people who look like a scrotum that wished to be a real boy. Suffice it to say, Tylenol use does not cause autism. Vaccines do not cause autism. Autism is not a danger to public health. Men with brain worms who work out in jeans are, though.
Escalators: For ten years now, we’ve been told over and over again that Donald Trump is the picture of masculinity and strength. Then this week, a member of his team accidentally stopped an escalator and according to Fox News, he could have been killed!!!!
IKEA: Really, furniture generally, which is now being subject to anywhere from 30% to 50% tariffs because, according to our fearless (except stairs) leader, furniture produced in the land of meatballs and ABBA are a national security threat. Mamma mia, etc.
Former FBI Director James Comey: At 6’8”, Comey is the second tallest enemy of the week, behind escalators. Yes, as everyone feared/predicted—and Kash Patel explicitly wrote about in his children’s book—Donald Trump is now using the power of the Justice Department to go after the former FBI director, who was indicted on Thursday by a prosecutor who has never prosecuted before. And though Donny T claims he has no “list” of who he will go after next, one need only look to the current FBI director’s book series (there are three!!!!) as well as Trump’s own social media and also the words that come out of his mouth, because this is basically just Watergate by and for idiots.
Hot tip: The rush to get this done was for a reason. The five-year statute of limitations was about to run out on Comey, who responded in the great tradition of our founding fathers: With a ring-lit Instagram front-facing video.
Portland, Oregon: Where residents have been protesting ICE, and Trump is now planning to send troops who are authorized to use “Full Force.” As a resident of another city American that has been maligned as war-ravaged, allow me to make some recommendations to Portland tourists. Personally, I’m partial to the city’s rose garden and Powell’s bookstore.
Your tax dollars at work: Former Fox & Friends Weekend Anchor Pete Hegseth is forcing hundreds of top generals and admirals stationed around the world to attend an army pep rally outside D.C. next week. The summons were at first shrouded in secrecy, but the aim is reportedly is to “get our fighters excited” (nothing does that quite like a 12-hour flight against your will) and hear him talk for 45 minutes about the “warrior ethos” Hegseth plans to implement—but I think he’s probably also hoping they name him homecoming king. This comes just days after he shut down a 74-year-old advisory committee that offered recommendations on supporting women in the military, so also look out for new ways to blame women for weakness, from the men who brought you Death Stairs! (2025) But hey, if anyone knows about a thing or two about “warrior ethos,” it’s definitely this guy:
Quick tips: Adelita Grijalva won a special election in Arizona this week, which means Democrats can soon force a vote on releasing the Epstein files. War criminal Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech at the UN was subject to a well-deserved mass walkout. And Sinclair Broadcast Group is bringing back Jimmy Kimmel on its affiliate stations after having exactly zero of their dumbass demands met, as is Nexstar. So yes, Jimmy’s back on the air everywhere, and FCC Chairman Brendan Carr can get back to work on a very necessary search for his lips.
In culture: I must admit that JCrew’s new/old Rollneck™campaign that throws back to 1988, five years before I was alive, is completely working on me. Fred Armisen’s new album called “100 Sound Effects” (which is exactly what it sounds like and includes such bangers as “Tasks” and “Planes”) is out as of yesterday. And Chef Mashama Bailey is opening a Parisian outpost of her famed Savannah, Georgia restaurant called L’Arret by The Grey—where soul food meets the Left Bank meets, hopefully, my stomach.
And now, a playlist to turn off your brain! I went on a long walk yesterday with the express aim of turning off my brain and curated this very silly 4+ hour playlist to aid in the effort. I truly dare you to try thinking about ~the horrors!~ that plague our society whilst “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” plays on blast in your ears. You’re welcome.
Previously on Hot Tip:
This playlist is going to save me! Thank you so much for sharing 💕
Ugh I am going to need like three of these rollnecks.