The emperor has no beauty blender
But at least we have strawberry shortcake
Last week I made a grown up version of my lifelong birthday cake. Sort of. My grandma and I always made* (*assembled) my birthday cake using three simple ingredients: Sara Lee pound cake, Cool Whip, and strawberries. Back when patriotism was less gross, we would also throw some blueberries on top and turn it into a flag. But as a mostly dairy-free gal fighting endometriosis, fascism, and what I will lovingly call Jewish stomach, I took a different approach this year. Enter Whole Foods angel food cake, this coconut based whipped cream, and the beloved strawberry. She collapsed in the fridge, and I’ve never tasted anything better.
Sending love to Texas: If you’re looking to donate amid the Texas flooding but don’t know where to begin, Charity Navigator is a great way to research organizations that are on the ground and helping impacted families. GoFundMe has also collected a list of verified fundraisers. And please read this beautiful tribute to the directors of historic Camp Mystic, one of whom died saving campers from the floodwaters.
This week: The Supreme Court upholds the whims of a man who neither knows how to blend his makeup nor the difference between seeking asylum and mental health asylums; Pam Bondi says there’s actually no Epstein list after once saying it was on her desk; and Elon makes a chatbot more antisemitic than he is.
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In politics: A pitch for House Speaker Mike Johnson after gleefully passing legislation that will kill millions of Americans—a WWJD bracelet simply won’t do anymore, sir. Have you considered a WWJDIHHWCAPIG? (what would Jesus do if he hated women, children, and people in general?) Too long, I know. A necklace, maybe?
As it turned out, nearly every Republican who made a big show of ~maybeiwillvotenoonthebiguglydeathbillidkyet~ ended up voting for it, but don’t worry, the Democrats made some noise, too!!! Chuck Schumer started in the form of renaming the “big beautiful bill” to “the act,” which the history books will record as…slightly earlier in the glossary. Then Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries alley-ooped by asking his (7 foot tall?) intern to make him look like a wax figure of a child who wished to become an adult mid-JV baseball game. Mission accomplished.
Reminder of what’s in the bill:
After Pete Hegseth decided to cut off military aid to Ukraine last week (I’m assuming in consultation with his wife, his dentist, and Atlantic EIC Jeffrey Goldberg), Donald Trump reversed course and now says the US will be restart supplying the besieged nation with weapons because he’s tired of Putin’s “bullshit.” But the bullshit call is coming from inside the house. While hundreds of people remain missing in Texas, the president is deploying federal resources very appropriately, sending armed, masked agents (who don’t get how camo works) into the parks of LA as a photo op. Are you here to deport geese, men who I can very clearly see???
And no matter what anyone says, Ted Cruz is not just the guy who liked a porn tweet on the anniversary of 9/11 and abandoned Texas once during an emergency. He’s the guy who liked a porn tweet on the anniversary of 9/11 and abandoned Texas twice during an emergency—this time for a quick tour of the Parthenon on his Greek vacay before returning back to his flooded home state.
Quick tips: Elon Musk says he’s forming a new political party to be known as the “America” party, just as soon as he has people to invite to a party. HBO Max’s rebranded rebrand happens tomorrow. And a new Barbie has type 1 diabetes, including a glucose monitor, an insulin pump, and gorgeous hair that five-year-old me would have cut off, then immediately regretted.
In health: The American Academy of Pediatrics and American College of Physicians—among other groups—are suing RFK Jr. over Covid vaccine policy changes, which they say “didn’t follow the normal process”—namely, science. RFK has also hit a road block with M&M's, who say the green M&M will remain 1) unsexy to Tucker Carlson and 2) artificially green.
In travel: The Acropolis was briefly closed in Athens today due to temps over 100°F (thankfully after Ted Cruz got to see it.) And starting today, you can keep your shoes on at airport security, even if you don’t have TSA pre-check. Don’t take them off on the flight, either, you animal.
Downloading for my flight tomorrow: Will Poulter on Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware.
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SO much going on. It’s been a tough week of news. Thanks for the recap!
Honestly my fave Substack. “Are you here to deport geese, men who I can very clearly see???” truly made me laugh out loud. And we need LOLing right now