The math ain't mathin because the people doing it are dumb
But at least everyone hates us, too
Welcome back to Hot Tip, my dearest darlings! In his ongoing efforts to show the world America is to be taken seriously, disgraced steak salesman Donald Trump literally tariffed an island full of penguins with zero human inhabitants at 10% last week. A spokespenguin responded: “We are penguins,” and then, “also, the math just doesn’t add up.”
While Trump tariffs the animal kingdom and sinks the global economy, Hot Tip is offering all you gorgeous smarty pants half off a premium subscription for a whole year because times are tough and laughter is the best medicine — behind actual medicine, which ~fingers crossed~ remains available as well.
In politics: Trump and Israeli PM Netanyahu had a sociopath-off in the White House this afternoon, both continuing to openly muse about removing and ethnically cleansing Palestinians from Gaza, with Trump referring to the home of millions of Palestinians as a “piece of important real estate.” Hot tip: It’s a few weeks old now, but if you haven’t yet watched Hannah Einbeinder’s HRC speech, it’s eight minutes well worth your time.
RFK Jr. finally issued an explicit endorsement of the MMR (measles, mumps, and rubella) vaccine after another unvaccinated child died in Texas. The move to support science has angered anti-vaxxers like Sherri Tenpenny, who once testified that Covid vaccines caused people to become magnetized, allowing them to stick “spoons and forks” all over their bodies and p[32490ijoemkwldk134bds—omg so sorry! I was sitting too close to my silverware drawer.
And in a 5-4 decision that had conservative Justice Amy Coney Barrett siding with the liberals, the Supreme Court will allow Trump to resume deportations of supposed gang members under the Alien Enemies Act—a law from 1798, or roughly the same time period that burning women at the stake was banned in England. Ridiculous antiquated law or not, the act of deporting people without any due process is on its own deeply horrifying, shameful, and illegal—but a new report found that 75 percent of those recently deported had no criminal record.
In business: I’m not going to harp on the current volatility of the economy, because if you’re anything like me—and if you’re here, I imagine you are—you’ve already got enough anxiety around whether a recession is coming and the fact that you still don’t really understand 2015’s The Big Short. But what I can say for sure is that the math Trump’s people used to develop the aforementioned tariffs that are now tanking retirement funds and sinking the global economy is simply bullshit — and also, possibly came from ChatGPT.
So how do I, a woman who was thrilled with a B- in college statistics, know it’s incorrect? Well, the guy the Trump admin. cited in their formula wrote an op-ed saying they got it all wrong. But hey, it’s not all bad news. Barstool Sports’ chief misogynist Dave Portnoy says he personally lost $20 million since the stock market began crashing, so we can all sleep a little better tonight.
Hot tip: iPhones are likely to get much more expensive under the dumbass tariffs, so buy a better case you clumsy animals! I’ve been safely using Casely for years, and I drop my phone constantly. *Ed note: I am not sponsored by Casely, but welcome the opportunity should it arise. Also, other brands. Make me a sellout already, it’s about to be a g-d recession.
In culture: White Lotus composer Cristóbal Tapia de Veer says he’s out for any future seasons, and while that means the music will likely be worse, his exceedingly candid interview with the New York Times in which he spilled tea with abandon may have made that worth it. The Beatles have been officially cast in Sam Mendes’ upcoming four biopics (yes, four separate movies) with babygirl(s) Harris Dickinson as John Lennon, Paul Mescal as Paul McCartney, Barry Keoghan as Ringo Starr, and Joseph Quinn as George Harrison. Me and my AMC Stubs are seated, three years early. I live in this theatre now.
A new Wes Anderson film has a trailer and will be out next month; the cast includes Benicio del Toro, a bedraggled Benedict Cumberbatch, and Richard Ayoade (!!!) An endangered Galápagos tortoise has just become a mother at 100 years old, proving you can be a TILF at any age. And despite the fact that I am a raging hypochondriac, every image of Noah Wyle playing a Jewish doctor in The Pitt has me considering tuning in to the emergency room drama because, well—
In travel: If you don’t already have a REAL ID, you have just one month to get one before they are required for air travel starting May 7 (Passports are fine, too. Taking your shoes off on a plane, however, is not.)
Read this: Dump your matcha and have a cigarette, bitch by
. This piece is from August of last year, but I came across it this week and while I don’t endorse ciggies, I do endorse the lesson: Stop trying to optimize your life with supplements and wellness routines and simply live it.Previously on Hot Tip:
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so appreciate the real ID reminder 😭
Thank you. I needed that. And, by the way, I'm a Hot Tip addict!