Trump is sending Kristi Noem to a farm upstate
Aka Cricket's revenge.
I went to my first LA Kings game (men’s hockey) tonight, and was reminded of two universal truths: 1) the best meal is an overpriced hot dog in an arena, and 2) the pinnacle of human joy is realizing you are on the jumbotron. Five stars for the $25 nosebleed seats, ten stars for referring to it as men’s _________ (sport name) from now on, because I have simply grown tired of boys’ sports being the default. Bring on the MNBA.
Not a war war update:
As Republicans continue to insist what’s happening in Iran is not a war—because only Congress can declare war—whilst also calling it a war and then saying oopsie, here’s where we’re at. They named it “Operation Epic Fury,” because “Operation Pete Hegseth Gets Off On Dropping Bombs While Cupping Trump’s Balls In His Tiny Dumb Hand” won’t fit on their commemorative t-shirts. There are concerns about the US running low on munition stockpiles, particularly among experts who see the potential for a “war of attrition”—basically, now that Israel and the US have started this, they have to stop Iran’s capacity to launch missiles before running out of interceptors. But between golf rounds and ballroom curtain shopping sprees, Donny T assures us—no worries, we’re good.
Thousands have been killed around the region, including six American service members, more than a thousand people in Iran, 123 in Lebanon, eleven in Israel, and three in the UAE. The not war war has also cost taxpayers more than $5 billion in just a few days, and successfully distracted us from the fact that last week, Trump’s Justice Department had buried 53 pages of the Epstein files related to Trump—of which 37 are still missing. If you were worried that this not war war was a bad move, though, super genius Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas reminded us several times this week that Iran has been an “imminent” threat to the US for 47 years.
Pissed off? Call your rep and senator and yell at them. Especially if you are from Michigan, Virginia, or Rhode Island. Capitol Switchboard: (202) 224-3121.
In politics:
Kristi Noem’s Capitol Hill testimony went as well as it could have for a DHS Secretary whose main qualification for the job was “dog murderer.” She was accused of probably (definitely) committing fraud and funneling millions to an eight-day-old company, was asked about the affair she’s probably (definitely) having in front of her husband, was forced to answer questions about spending $220 million of taxpayer money to pull a Putin on horseback in front of Mt. Rushmore, and then got fired one day later, smack in the middle of giving a speech. Hot tip: The man selected by Trump to take over? An absolute asshat named Markwayne (yes, Markwayne) Mullin, a sitting senator from Oklahoma who did this during the attempted insurrection—
Quick tips: A January 6 rioter pardoned by Trump just got a life sentence for child sex abuse. Pam Bondi has been subpoenaed by the House Oversight Committee to testify re: the Epstein case. And ex-Trump appointee Lindsey Halligan may have to hang up her empty briefcase soon—she’s now being investigated by the Florida bar. Only the best people, etc.
In tech:
Apple released a semi-affordable Macbook this week that comes in fun colors. Old iPods are back en vogue, so pardon me while I dig through some drawers at my parents’ house and listen to some Hoobastank, or perhaps LMFAO? And bird feeders, Ben Affleck and Charlie Puth are going all in on AI—the last two for some reason I have yet to ascertain. But I may need the bird feeder.
In covers:
FYC: Ayoh! Hot Giardinayo, which is changing my sandwich and breakfast game. This obscenely cute nylon loaf bag from Baggu. A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, a Game of Thrones spinoff that is 1) largely a comedy and 2) devoid of incest. Check check. And yes yes yes to Sian Clifford on the big screen doing whatever this is—on my birthday, no less.
