We're all trying to find the guy who did this
+ Sicily, Dana Schwartz, and Mitch McConnell definitely being alive
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I’ve learned a lot in just five days in Sicily. You can—and should—caramelize tomatoes with sugar and then put them on a pizza. If you’re just ordering one, it’s a panino (cannolo, arancino, etc.) but if you’re ordering two coffees, it’s cappuccini. Road signs and speed limits are more of a suggestion than a mandate. A rechargeable personal fan goes a long way inside a non-air-conditioned 17th-century church. Buy an extra suitcase for the pottery, if necessary (it is). And watching your dear friend marry a wonderful guy she met four years ago on Tinder in Rome in a perfect dress on a magical island with a giant tiramisu cake is exactly how all weddings should be.
New York primaries: It was a sweep for three Mamdani-endorsed candidates last night, including former city comptroller + mayoral candidate (and current big time cutie patootie!!!) Brad Lander, who beat incumbent Dan Goldman in a district covering parts of lower Manhattan and Brooklyn.
In general clusterfucks: The Senate is officially calling for an end to the Iran war, after it’s already been happening for 117 days and thousands have died across the region. Mitch McConnell continues to be out of the office after being hospitalized ten days ago with no updated word as to his condition, from either the hospital or Satan.
And after 14 million dollars were spent to repaint the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool “American flag blue,” said paint is peeling, killing ducks, and causing green algae to grow rapidly. But don’t worry, Donny T has an ironclad theory as to what happened: vandals must have “very violently” cut the bottom of the pool with a “box cutter or a knife”, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he drove a 20,000 pound car on it last month, or the jugs of hydrogen peroxide he had poured into it, or the Trump donor he picked to clean it (who, hot tip, runs a company literally called Green Water Solutions. Apt name indeed, sir.)
Quick tips: The Air Force basic training hub is facing a massive flu outbreak just two months after proud non-hand-washer Pete Hegseth decided he would make the formerly mandatory flu shots optional. British PM Keir Starmer is following in the footsteps of his very recent forbears and resigning, meaning the country will soon get its sixth prime minister in seven years. And VP JD did an interview with his (currently pregnant with their fourth child) wife Usha Vance, patting her knee and saying “good to see ya” in a way that screams “we’ve fucked approximately four times.”
And a little bit of etc: Qantas Airways is launching a 22-hour direct flight between Sydney and London next year, huge news for everyone who has ever flown in seat 47B near a clogged toilet and a screaming baby and wished “this, but for 12 more hours please!!!” 44-year-old Serena Williams will be playing singles at Wimbledon as a wild card, in addition to doubles with her sister, Venus. And the definitely global-warming-driven heatwave covering the entire continent of Europe has prompted creative cooling methods, from free cinema tickets in Paris to shorter school days in Amsterdam. Personally, I’m spritzing myself with this hypochlorous acid spray several times a day, drinking ample amounts of Gatorade, and eating as much gelato as my 32-year-old Jewish stomach will allow.
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Hot Takes: Dana Schwartz
Dana Schwartz is a New York Times best-selling author, host of two different podcasts, screenwriter, mom, co-author of a new dark academia romance novel called ‘The Arcane Arts ‘—which, yes, she will be adapting into a movie—and also my friend. I wanted to know how she took her coffee, and a few other things.
The best breakfast in Los Angeles: The pancakes at Bar Sinizki.
I think people should worry less about: I’m not the person to ask about this. I worry about everything.
A hill I will die on: Most concerts aren’t worth the hassle. Look, I know this is an incredibly lame opinion, but when you consider the parking, the waiting, the crowds, the late hours….. Actually, just thinking about it is making me claustrophobic. I don’t want to be that close to strangers’ bodies! I will listen to music in the comfort of my own home.
How I take my coffee: Black, but I’m not smug about it.
Somewhere I’ve never visited but always dreamt of going: Japan. I was planning on going, but then I got pregnant and it seemed like I should delay a trip involving hot baths and lots of raw fish, but now it’s hard to find a chance to go because I have a toddler.
Somewhere I’ve gone multiple times and will be going again: London. It’s my favorite city in the world. I try to go as often as I can for the museums and to see as many shows as I can possibly squeeze in. Did you know the British Museum has the Bayeux tapestry right now?!?!?! What are we doing here when we could be looking at that!
Ideal Saturday: Wake up slightly later than normal, go out to brunch with my baby and husband. Take Arthur (baby) to the park while I drink a giant iced coffee. Put Arthur down for a nap and go on a hike (from a bakery to a bookstore), then read in the park for several hours. Cook dinner while watching a Nancy Meyers movie playing in the background, and then get a babysitter to go out and see a movie in a theater.
Secret talent: I have no secret talents, they have all been monetized.
I would like to personally thank the inventor of: Pilot Razor Point pens.
The correct way to dress at the airport is: Let’s not re-invent the wheel here—comfortable, baggy jeans, a t-shirt, a sweater, and sneakers. Easy!
My ideal adult summer camp would be: No internet, lots of time to read and talk about books, and workshop writing projects. Probably in the English countryside?
An underrated literary character I think about a lot: He’s not underrated, but Stevens from The Remains of the Day is a character that has stuck with me for years.
The best kind of book club snack: A cheese plate. Although for my last book club, we read Yesteryear and I made homemade bread. Oooh! That can be my secret talent.
My new book is for anyone who: Has several graduate school application tabs open and/or has ever had sexual fantasies about a professor.
Your Mitch McConnell line is the funniest thing I've read all week. Thanks for that. And the Dana Schwarz interview. No clue how I first stumbled upon her on the 'gram, but I felt like family when she married the incredibly funny and enjoyable James Corden sidekick Ian Carmel. Maybe someone can bring Ian and Stephen Colbert back at 11:30. My late-nights are bereft.
I will also die on the hill that concerts are overrated. I'll enjoy my music on Spotify, tyvm.