Mitch is just using a Vitamin C serum
And also, still earning a paycheck.
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Never underestimate the power of a red leather booth inside a dark, air-conditioned Mexican restaurant in the dead of LA summer on a Monday night in the Valley with a friend to rejuvenate oneself amid a post-Eurotrip emotional hangover. That shit does wonders for the soul.
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In politics: Unsatisfied with the second proof-of-life photo from Mitch McConnell’s office—which this time did not include a newspaper but does warrant a question or five about the 84-year-old’s new skincare routine!!!—Governor Andy Beshear says the senator must “directly and verbally address the people of Kentucky and provide proof of your capacity to serve, or resign.” Not to mention McConnell is actively earning tens of thousands of dollars on a Congressional salary whilst in whatever state he finds himself—Kentucky, vegetative, or otherwise.
The Pentagon is under fire for reclassifying four recent Iran War casualties as part of a new category called “overseas operations,” a politically convenient lie that omits a pretty crucial detail not unlike calling OJ a “football player.” Meanwhile, ICE is turning airports into the newest front of their war on immigrants and it might be time to finally make the bumper stickers I’ve been envisioning for years. (Can a lawyer weigh in below on whether putting these on vehicles would constitute vandalism? What if they’re magnets? Hypothetically, of course. xo, Al.)
Also, today was Lindsey Graham’s National Cathedral funeral service, where Trump fell asleep after making fun of the late senator and calling him a war hawk—which, as far as accuracy tends to go for him, is actually spot on. Other attendees included future Hague defendants Stephen Miller, Pete Hegseth, and Benjamin Netanyahu. And then JD Vance said goodbye in a way that immediately felt all too familiar to me.
Hot tip: On August 4 there will be primaries in Kansas, Michigan, Missouri, Virginia, and Washington. Keep an eye on Michigan’s Democratic Senate race (HT-endorsed Dr. Abdul El-Sayed vs. Rep. Haley Stevens), the Kansas governor’s race, and Missouri District 1, where Cori Bush is trying to retake her former seat.
Don’t miss: CNN’s Kaitlan Collins was Jon Stewart’s guest on The Daily Show last night to discuss WHCD 2.0 (Donny’s Version) and the entire conversation is worth the watch but several questions remain for me, namely: Composure—how? Professionalism—how? And also, hair—how?
Various forms of torture: A Qantas Airways Airbus A350 flew for more than 24 hours between Melbourne and Toulouse, France to test a new Europe-Australia route. Residents of Toluca Lake, Los Angeles are now subject to the sounds of “bloody murder” screams due to a new roller coaster at Universal Studios. Elon Musk launched an invite-only Venmo dupe called “X Money.” And apparently after all this time, It Will Never Fucking End With Us.
In comedy: Mary Beth Barone’s new stand up special is now streaming on Netflix. Nirvanna the Band the Show—a thing I just found out exists but does make the movie title make more sense—is now on Hulu. And John Mulaney is doing nine New York venues in nine nights next year and for the first time in my life I think I understand people who see Phish for a week straight?
